Things I Wish I’d Known About Men When I Was 20

Sleepwear will always be taken as flirty by boys.

Yep, even the crappy stuff you actually sleep in. In “Misery”, when Annie Wilkes came into the bedroom wearing the dressing gown with gravy all up one sleeve, swinging an axe, there was a small, tiny part of Paul Sheldon that thought, “Showtime.”

When a man truly loves you, you can’t mess it up.

When he doesn’t, nothing can bring him around.

A man who insists on splitting the bill doesn’t fancy you.

Equality is for mingers, yo.

Adding “with you” on to his sentences tells you everything.

I’m not looking for anything serious, with you. I don’t feel like going out tonight, with you.

If you’re not his type, it’ll never work out.

Seriously, just walk away. He’ll think you look better from the back.

A man will never, ever, set you up with another man.

Even if he doesn’t fancy you now, he will hoard you like a prepper in case there’s a drought. Stop asking to meet that nice-sounding Simon. Never gonna happen.

You will never be as sexually powerful over men as you are at 20.

Stop dicking about at home. Get out there.

Men who love you want to fix your stuff.

He straps on a tool belt, you’re safe to book the reception.

When a man loves you, he thinks you’re the hottest woman alive.

Even if all his friends can’t look at your face on a full stomach. But…

He will suffer a moment of panic if his friends don’t fancy you.

The same panic you’ll feel when your friends do fancy him.

Every man has a signature dish.

Let me save you the agony: it’s a bowlful of self-taught mincey slop. Usually with chilli.

Men are clutter-blind.

The time you spend tidying your house for men would be far better spent opening a pension.

He wouldn’t notice if you wore the same outfit for 10 consecutive dates.

Test me.

Behind most male stupidity is a (misguided) desire not to hurt your feelings.

You can’t handle the truth.

His favourite outfit on you will always be a tight vest top.

Seriously, wear one to the wedding.

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