A recent survey has shown women don’t really enjoy foreplay. Why? Maybe because they haven’t been having foreplay – they’ve been having “boreplay” instead…
Women hate foreplay? Pah! False. Biologically, women need foreplay. Unlike men who exist in a constant state of sexual readiness – needing little more than a glimpse of your bra in the laundry basket to set them off – women take time to reach the “arousal” stage. What the women in the survey are really describing is Boreplay. This is a hideous sexual technique males have been practising for centuries. The following types of Boreplay are the passion killers that turn women from sighing sweetly to muttering, “Oh, just get on with it” – and tips on how to cure them.
Like a child who knows he has to eat his vegetables before he gets pudding, the Dutiful Boreplayer believes it’s necessary to put a bit of work in before bonky-time, so he’ll make a half-hearted jab at your chest, a brief swipe at your nethers, then emit a cheerful, “All aboard!” Swoon.
Go mad with compliments while he’s down there. Writhe yourself off the bed. He’ll cop on that that he’s doing something right and persevere, enthusiastically.
His moves were enjoyable – the first time. Eighteen-million repetitions later, however, they’re wearing thin… Like the skin on your chest where his fingers tread a well-worn path.
Loud yawns work well, as does taking control. Shock him out of his routine by doing something dramatically different. He’ll soon embrace the new regime.
When a man dresses up his foreplay as something else: “Would you like a massage?” for example. You’re not really going to get a massage – you’ll get a bit of vague leg-rubbing, then, whoops! Oh dear, he’s fallen on top of you.
Make a deal with him. He admits it honestly when he just fancies a romp, you’ll stop telling him the credit-card bill got eaten by the dog.
“I Know Best” Boreplay
Most often committed by New Age types, IKB Boreplay is agonising to endure. You can tell him till you’re blue in the pants that, actually, you don’t enjoy being covered in WD-40 then spanked with an egg whisk, but he’ll just smile patronisingly and carry on. Often an IKB man is just repeating the same moves he used on his ex, not realising they’re the reason why she chucked him.
No known cure, except immediate severance of the relationship.
Ever seen a man trying to get out of doing the washing-up? He’ll jab the brush about for two seconds, chuck a glass on the floor then shrug boyishly: “Perhaps I’m just not good at this.” The same deviousness is going on under the duvet when he chews your bottom-lip off and spits in your eye. He’s just banking that you’ll let him off the job.
Return the compliment – make a complete ham’s fist of his manhood when it’s your turn, then suggest you both go and see a sex counsellor. This is every man’s worst nightmare, so he’ll pull his sexy socks up pronto.
Originally published in The Sun