From Invisible to Invincible: Pause Live Dating Workshop

I was lucky enough to host an online-dating workshop, on behalf of Ourtime, at Pause Live.

If you couldn’t be there — or you were there but want a recap of what we talked about — here is an overview.

And remember, if you’d like an online-dating coach to help you with any of this, just contact me.

It’s a great time to date online.

• A survey revealed that 28% of UK marriages since 2017 were between couples who met online, 
• It’s estimated that, in 2024, over 395 million people worldwide will be signed up to find love.

I like those odds! 

In today’s workshop we’re going to learn:

• How to take, and choose, your photos
• How to write your profile
• And how to message men so he turns into a date, not a penpal  

Gen X are great at online dating 

If you’re over 50, you’re better at online dating than youngsters who were born with a smartphone in their hands. It’s official.

Research by Ourtime found that singles over 50 enjoyed dating more than singles in their 30s, and that our sexual confidence doesn’t peak until the age of 53.  

I was in an exclusive webinar with online-dating CEOs recently and they all believed that online-dating for 50+ people is THE next big thing. 

Gen X daters are: 

• GREAT at conversation.
• Not usually too open on social media (so if someone stalks you, it’s not all out there).
• Funny and sparky. 
• Feisty, because we remember dating before. 

Those skills will serve you well. But you need to follow your dating instincts. If ever you find yourself giving a loser a chance, you’re operating from fear, not feistiness. BE FEISTY. 

How to create your online-dating profile

• The first time I did online dating I didn’t use photos.
• The second time I online dated, I chose 3 really specific photos.

Photos are the most important part of your profile

Men judge you on photos, but they don’t look at photos the same way we do. We scour them for context clues, men judge to see if you’re their type. 

Men are not scouring the backgrounds or analysing your popularity by the number of selfies. They are in a trance. 

• Men LIKE selfies.
• Men LIKE professional pictures.
• Men LIKE colour.
• Men LIKE you smiling INTO the camera.
• Your profile must accurately portray the version of you that’ll turn up to the date. Don’t be tempted to use a lovely photo of you from 2006, or even from 2020.
• DO NOT USE FILTERS. 
• I’d encourage you to get some new photos taken. If you can afford it, consider booking an online-dating photo shoot.
• It’s also good to use seasonal shots, as they help your audience picture taking you out on a date in the near future.

The photos you need.

1. A smiley, colourful headshot.

• Research has found that the best headshot photo for women is colourful and shows you flirtatiously smiling into the camera. A small amount of cleavage works too, especially over the age of 45.
• Wear a colourful top. 
• Photos in colourful clothes got 45 per cent more views on website
• Girls received four times the number of messages in bright tops  
• Hate colourful clothes? Stand in front of a bright background.
• Crop the photo in closely so your face fills the screen. Don’t worry about wrinkles.
• Also don’t take a photo of you from under your neck – it’s SO unflattering. 
• Stand facing a window at 3pm in afternoon, or go outside. 

2. A full-length body shot.

• This is about accurately representing yourself. Also, show any wheelchairs or walking sticks that you use to get around. If you’ll use them on the date, include them in your profile.
• I know it seems counterintuitive to put some people off, but you are trying to attract only those people who find you gorgeous exactly as you are. Your profile’s job is to generate “qualified leads”. 
• If people aren’t attracted to the real you, it’s better that they silently click away from your profile without you knowing about it, rather than mess you about later on.

To take good body shots, follow Rachel Peru’s tips.

Rachel is an age-positive, curvy model who started modelling aged 47.

• Angle your body away from camera do you don’t look like a mug shot. Make triangles – eg, one hand on hip. Keep fingers on same level as your belly button. 
• If sitting down, lean towards camera. Anything that’s in the front of frame will look biggest, so try to make your face be at the front to balance it out. 

• Follow all different types of people on social media, NOT just skinny 20-somethings.
• Look at yourself every day in the mirror, even just for a few minutes. Find one thing to compliment, like “I have strong legs.” Write those down and read them every day. 

3. An ice-breaker shot.

The third important photo is one that makes it easy for someone to start a conversation rather than just saying, “Wow, U R hot.”

The best ice-breaker pictures show you engaged in an interesting activity:

• Singing in a band;
• Playing an instrument or a sport (the more unusual, the better);
• Cuddling a pet (the cuter or more exotic, the better);
• Doing something out of the ordinary.

These pictures also don’t have to be as recent as the other pictures. If you won an Olympic medal in the 90s, that’s a great ice-breaker photo, so long as your other pictures were taken this year. 

My ice-breaker photo was a picture of me scooping up a stack of chips at a poker table, which sparked loads of conversations.

Photos that will stop men contacting you:

• Group photos
• Photos with alcohol (I see those A LOT)
• Photos with sunglasses or hats
• Photos taken with a flash (adds 7 years)
• Head shots only – men think you’re hiding something 

YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR WORST PHOTO. 

• Daters online start looking to screen people out because there are so many. One bad picture and you are gone. 
• It’s a good idea to get feedback on your profile, especially from someone in your target audience, like a friendly ex or a platonic friend.
• I meet a lot of singles who try to hide that they’re looking for love, but I think it’s better to shout it from the rooftops! Who knows if your platonic friend has been harbouring a crush on you for years, or if your sexy colleague had no idea you were single?

How to write your online-dating profile

• The first time I dated online, I wrote a really long profile.
• The second time, I used 4 sentences.

Your profile is the secret to attracting the right man to you.

Tip: change your profile regularly. It won’t make you look desperate or like you have multiple personalities. It’ll keep you at the top of the search results.

Keep your profile text brief:

• Too long = he feels obligated to reply at the same length.
• Keep it light.
• Write it just before you’re about to go out and see friends. 
• BE VERY SPECIFIC. The more detail you put in your profile, the more someone will really like you. And when you are specific about how you like to spend your time, you are more likely to attract a guy who enjoys similar things.  

What interests do you use in your profile?

• Remember, people read your profile for one reason: to assess what you’d be like as a partner. 
• List activities that other people could join you on, and which give them an easy way to ask you out.

Don’t look TOO busy – people will feel they’d never see you. 

• Always put a sociable spin on your lifestyle. Don’t just say you love food, spin it into “I love trying new cuisines”. Suddenly, it’s EASY for someone to ask you out for dinner.
• If you can only think of introverted passions, ask a friend how they’d describe you. Chances are they’ve seen you outside your house, so they’ll have a few great ideas.
• DON’T INCLUDE A SHOPPING LIST OF QUALITIES IN YOUR IDEAL PARTNER. 
• Include values rather than characteristics. For example, not “must be university-educated” but “must have a curious mind”.  

Killer words to use

Research has shown that online-daters get the most responses when they include words in their profile that are usually associated with the opposite sex.

For example, when a woman includes “video games” in her profile, she will receive more messages than woman who doesn’t. For men, mentioning “family” appears to be a big turn-on among female readers.

There are 8 other killer words that work really well for men AND women. These are:

• Yoga;
• Dog;
• Surf;
• Volunteering;
• Comedy;
• Athletic;
• Explore
• Ambitious.

Try adding these to your profile and see what happens.

How to be seductive but not too sexy when you’re online dating

When people are reading your profile, they’ll put you into one of two categories: Short-Term Fun, or Long-Term Potential.

As a woman, the quickest way to get put into a guy’s Short-Term Fun bracket is to write a raunchy profile, or use explicit photos. While men obviously want long-term partners who have healthy sex drives, they do NOT want someone who advertises that sex drive randomly, to the entire internet.

If you want to be seen as a Long-Term Potential, focus your advert around neutral topics, but allow your sensuality to come through almost “accidentally”.

Section 2) Messaging and Meeting Up

Decide if you want to be masculine energy or feminine energy.

• If masculine: you can pursue.
• If feminine, you are going to RESIST pursuing or suggesting and be receptive to what he provides.

Messaging Tips

• Only exchange 5 or 6 messages. If they stop suggesting meeting in person, start taking longer to reply.
• Only send messages outside peak socialising hours. NOT after 8pm or before 9am. Let him imagine you doing fun things.
• Don’t be flattered by “Good morning” or “Good evening” messages. They are low effort. Men can send millions. Respond with a heart or a smiley face.
• Don’t send many messages BUT be fun, light, engaged and complimentary when you do.
• Be enthusiastic. Say it’s lovely to hear from him, if it’s true.
• DON’T SEXT. Research found that people who sext don’t report any higher sexual satisfaction than those who don’t. Plus, sexters report regretting sending nude or intimate pictures.

BOOKMARKING Masterclass

Three things separate a proper Date from a Bookmark. Those things are:

• Day
• Time
• Venue

To avoid being bookmarked, NEVER agree to a date without knowing all 3 pieces of information first.

• For example, a guy contacts you and asks, “Hey! You free Saturday?”
• Don’t answer with a flat yes. Nooo! You only want to set aside prime dating time for REAL plans, not promises. So reply with the magic line, “What did you have in mind?”
• This forces him to come up with a date idea. (And, as a bonus, stops you accidentally agreeing to hang-out dates at his place.)
• He should reply with a suggestion like, “We could try that Spanish restaurant near you?” So great – you now have the venue.
• But you still need a time, or it’s not happening. Setting a time tells both of you that it’s a PLAN, not a concept. So still don’t agree. Ask, “What time were you thinking?”
• When you know day, venue and time, you are OFFICIAL. Until then, stay vague. And if you accidentally set a bookmark and the guy still hasn’t confirmed plans 2 days later, make other arrangements. Men know how to ask you out, don’t settle for anything less than a real date.

Final online-dating tips

BE POSITIVE – Every day, sites like Ourtime help thousands of couples find each other. The odds are very much in your favour! Stay cheerful and upbeat while you’re writing your dating profile, or meeting someone for a first date.

FORGET YOUR “TYPE” – Dating over 50 is more about compatibility than eyes-across-a-crowded-room lust. You’re looking to make memories, not babies, so find someone who enjoys the same hobbies and interests as you do.

CHOOSE UNUSUAL FIRST DATES – Dinner and drinks are too formal for a first date – they can feel like job interviews because all you have to talk about is each other. It’s easier (and more fun) to get to know a date while you’re both engaged in an activity. So opt for dates like art galleries, museums, fun fairs, picnics, or Christmas markets.

TEAM UP WITH A SINGLE FRIEND – Don’t date in secret – it helps to have a single friend who can boost your confidence before dates, come to singles events with you, and help you spot any red flags or bad behaviour. They can also help you find a person outside your usual “type”.

BE OPEN AND HONEST – If you don’t want a second date, say so. (I find, “You’re great but I’m not feeling a spark,” to be a kind, gentle way of letting someone down.) But also, if you do want a second date, speak up! At the end of the date, say, “I’d love to see you again.” Successful dating isn’t about playing games – it’s about letting someone into the lovely life you’ve created for yourself.

If you want any one-on-one help with your profile, just contact me.

Good luck!

Love, Kate x