A brilliant, must-read book revealed the reasons men don’t invite women on a second date.
Why don’t men ask you on a second date?
If you’re great at getting first dates but not second dates, read “Have Him at Hello” by Rachel Greenwald. She interviewed 1,000 men on this exact question. She basically did what we’d all love to do: ring guys up who’ve ghosted us and get them to explain exactly WHY.
90% of women guess INCORRECTLY why men don’t call again.
It’s NOT that they didn’t fancy you!
(Unless you did a Bait & Switch, see below). Men don’t arrange first dates with women they don’t find attractive. So forget that straight away.
The main reason is usually that you accidentally fell into a Negative Stereotype.
This post isn’t advising you to change who you are to please a man. I’m 100% against that concept. (Can you imagine being married to someone with whom you can’t be yourself?)
It’s just advising you on the mistakes you might be making, which mean you come across in a certain way.
A way that probably isn’t the real you.
It’s easy, when you’re nervous, to accidentally let certain parts of your personality overwhelm the others. Like, you’re usually a bubbly, chatty person, but first-date nerves leave you tongue-tied.
Long-term, he’ll know you’re chatty! But on the first date, with no other information to put your silence into perspective, you’ll just appear mute. Unfortunately, according to Rachel Greenwald, a few negative stereotypes are an almost universal turn-off.
On a first date, try to tone down these particular characteristics. This is ONLY for the first couple of dates. After that, he’ll have learned more about the TOTAL you, and these things won’t be seen as so negative.
OK? Good. Here are the Negative Stereotypes that turn men off.
The Boss Lady
Seen as aggressive, bossy, competitive. Men think, “I’d hire her, but I don’t want to date her.”
Argumentative: seems more concerned with “making her point” than enjoying the date.
Adversarial. Argued with the man, had “hard edges”.
Why you might accidentally fall into the Boss Lady Stereotype
You want to be loved for your brain as much as your body, so you don’t hold back with the verbal sparring. You enjoy the cut and thrust of debate, and didn’t realise it made you seem just… hard work.
How to avoid this stereotype
Focus on having fun. Get to know him, and don’t try to change his opinion.
The “Blah”
Not enthusiastic or excited to be on the date. Slumped, looking around the room.
No opinion. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.” Not passionate about anything.
Why you might accidentally fall into the Blah Stereotype
Nobody wants to look too keen on a first date. But in order to seem slightly mysterious or aloof, you just look bored. (This is the Stereotype I always fell into. By nature I’m the human version of a golden retriever, so I worried I’d look so excited it’d seem like I hadn’t left the house in months. I calmed myself down SO much that I just looked frosty and bored, even when I really liked the guy and was having a wonderful time.)
How to avoid this stereotype
You don’t have to be all over him. But you can show your general passion and enthusiasm by talking about things that interest you. Not his eyes or the fact he bought you a cocktail. But your hobbies, interests, favourite book or film. Seem engaged with life.
The Bait & Switch
Didn’t look anything like her photo, lied about her age (more than 5 years).
Hadn’t revealed important info, like having kids or still being married.
Your profile had been so non-specific that the man had created his own reality.
Why you might accidentally fall into the Bait & Switch Stereotype
I’ve written a mini book that explains why you might have created a too-generic profile that doesn’t showcase who you really are. You can download a copy by clicking here.
How to avoid this stereotype
Write a profile that shows you exactly how you are today. Remember it’s best to put people off at the profile stage if they’re not going to like who you are in person.
The Princess/Gold-Digger
Asked obvious questions to ascertain a man’s finances. (“What car do you drive? Do you pay much money to your ex wife?”)
Seemed very high-maintenance. High interest in labels, designers, exclusive locations.
Why you might accidentally fall into the Princess/Gold-Digger Stereotype
Money is important to you and you don’t want to end up carrying a dead financial weight in a relationship. You find ambitious men attractive, and love the Finer Things.
How to avoid this stereotype
Don’t dig for info, and be appreciative of anything he provides. Say thank you a LOT. Seem more into the fact that he drove to your area for the date than what car he drove in.
The Closer
Not looking to waste time. “Where is this going? I’m looking for a serious man.”
Overly concerned with man’s 5-year plan. Keen to go exclusive right away.
Why you might accidentally fall into The Closer Stereotype
You’re sick of people wasting your time. You know what you want (marriage, kids, commitment) and are very happy to scare away anyway who doesn’t want the same things.
How to avoid this stereotype
Set your own boundaries. People can’t waste your time if you don’t give them time to waste, so set a personal deadline (say, three months) to get to the exclusive stage, and a slightly longer one (like a year) to get engaged. Until you hit those moments, relax! Have fun! Enjoy the journey!
Remember…
This is just for the first date. You don’t have to tone down any part of yourself forever. But just like you turn down the volume on certain parts of yourself for a job interview, it’s wise to do that on a first date.
If you have any questions on this or ANY part of dating, feel free to contact me.
Love,
Kate Taylor